Friday, June 20, 2014

All the feelings...

I did not edit this or even go back and read it. I just let the thoughts flow out of my brain and through my fingers so that I could maybe get some sleep. There are just too many thoughts in here. Negative ones and they need to be replaced. 

I can't sleep or at least I don't want to sleep right now. I am having all the feelings at the moment...I feel for no reason...and if I go to sleep then they will all just be buried again and they will just resurface later for me to deal with then. I have to learn to just deal with my feelings as they come up and not to just bury them down deep inside. Even though I don't really feel like my feelings are valid enough...obviously I am having them for a reason. Feelings are for a reason right. I can't just keep burying them and not talking about them. I have to learn to talk about my feelings...even if I think they are stupid and I shouldn't be having them. I can't just bury them. They will just keep resurfacing.  Sorry if you are reading this and you are confused. I am just typing everything that is coming to my mind and everything that I am thinking about right now because I can't sleep. If I don't think about what is inside of me then I will just bury it all and I don't think my heart can take it. I guess that's why I feel like I'm always eating because it's easier then feeling the feelings that I don't think I should have. I have to learn to get over this!! I have many many people who love me and want to help me but I don't let them. I don't feel like I deserve their help and I am embarrassed to admit that I am having problems. I feel like I shouldn't because I have a great life and I shouldn't feel the things I do. A lot of people have so so many more problems then me that I shouldn't have anything to complain about. I shouldn't express the way I feel or what I want to and I should just be grateful for everything I have and I am...don't get me wrong but then why do these things come up inside my head all the time. I can be so much better then I  am and for some reason I don't make the effort to be. I need to search inside myself and discover why? I need to discover what is wrong with me and why I completely feel the way that i do. If you are still here I am sorry that you had to sit through all of this mumbling and rambling on and on about practically nothing but I have learned that sometimes you just have to put the thoughts out of your head and let other people have them so that they don't make you crazy. Maybe everytime someone else reads this, it gives my words and feelings a little less power over me. I really wish that were true. 

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