Friday, April 25, 2014

Things need to change....

Have you ever tried to do something over and over, but just keep failing at it? Not just a couple times, but for years and years? Well, I do. Every single day of my life... I feel like a complete failure. This post is hard for me to write b/c I usually just keep everything that bothers me inside and to myself, but I have realized that I can't anymore. All it does is eat me up inside and it completely fuels my depression. I have woken up just about every morning this year feeling like an utter failure and I really don't want to feel like this anymore. I am tired of feeling like I can't change anything and I am powerless to my faults. I need to stop feeling like this b/c it certainly doesn't make anything better. It just makes my life worse and in turn it makes my family's life worse. I make everyone around me miserable and I am really tired of doing that. My kids don't like to be yelled at and my husband certainly doesn't like it either. And it has nothing to do with them. It is ALL my problems and not theirs. They don't deserve to have a mom/wife who acts like this. They don't deserve it AT ALL. I just can't make myself change things. I have tried so many times to change the things I NEED to change and I fail every time. I wake up (literally) EVERY MORNING and I tell myself..."today will be better", but so far it's not. I think I am just getting worse b/c on top of not changing things I feel like I have failed them. How do you change thinking like this? How do you change the way you think after all these years? I just don't know what else to try...

I am just going to list the things I want to change b/c that is easiest...
  • I want to pay more attention to my kids. I think if I did that then I wouldn't have to yell so much b/c then they wouldn't be trying to get my attention all the time.
  • I would like to stay on top the the cleaning around the house and not just leave it for my hubby to do. The cleaning just completely overwhelms me b/c I have so much stuff. I am working on decluttering things as well, but it's a slow process.
  • I need to work on eating better. I eat way too much sugar (especially right now b/c of all the Easter candy we have) and I KNOW that it isn't good for me. It is so hard for me. I wake up every morning and tell myself what I am going to eat (healthy stuff) and by noon I am chomping away on candy...usually b/c I am stressed out. I am an emotional eater and I need to fix this!
  • I need to stop trying to control every aspect of my life. Sometimes I need to just let go and have some fun.
  • I need to think more positive thoughts. I am always thinking very negatively and thinking that things will always go wrong. THIS IS PROBABLY MY MAIN PROBLEM! It's so hard to change the way you think...
What has happened to me? I didn't expect my life to be like this. I know that I am very blessed and have a great life, but why can't I just enjoy it? Why can't I just be happy? Maybe "happy" is the wrong word...I am happy. I love my life and the way it is, but I am not able to enjoy it b/c I can't fix these things about myself. I am not content with who and am and who I want to be so it takes over my thoughts.

I guess I can't give up though. I need to stop feeling like a failure and just keep trying. That is the only way that things will change, eventually. I need to be kinder to myself, b/c no one is perfect and we all have our faults. I have a family to take care of and they deserve someone who is not giving up. I will still wake up every morning and tell myself that today will be better then yesterday. I will just do the best I can...cuz that's all I can do right now. If you have made it this far then thanks for listening.

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