Thursday, February 27, 2014

Where I have been...

For the passed few weeks I have been feeling depression creep back up into my life...and I let it. Sometimes I feel like I cannot control it. It is just something that comes over me and I have to give in to the darkness. I hate it! It makes me angry. It makes me sad. It makes me anxious. It makes me cry. It makes me yell. It makes me want to hide. It makes me want to run away. it makes me silent. It's just bad. And for a few weeks I was withdrawn, I yelled at my kids, I couldn't do anything right, I alienated people, I couldn't breath, I complained a lot, I hated everything and everyone (including myself), my life sucked...

Today, I am feeling much better. I feel like the darkness has lifted a little and I can breath again. I got up much happier, actually looking forward to the day ahead. I made pancakes for the kids for breakfast, I did dishes, I put supper in the crock pot and when I am done with this blog post, I plan on going play on the floor with them.

Here is what I am beginning to learn: I need to learn to control this. I can't allow depression/the darkness to take over my life. The only way I can do that is to fill my life with happiness/light. So here is my plan...

1. read my bible/pray a lot more often--get help from above. I am not alone.
2. stop saying "no" so often--I want a "yes" house. It will make my kids and my hubby much happier.
3. be more positive--I am so bad at automatically assuming the worst about everything. I am a pessimistic person since birth and it's super hard to change my way of thinking, but I have to...to survive the darkness.
4. spend more time together with my family and less time alone doing my own things--I am very selfish and I need to stop. I have plenty of time to knit, be on the computer, read, or art journal later. My kids will only be little this one time. It is not just me anymore and my hobbies will always be there.
5. be more open with my feelings--I need to talk more about what I am feeling (with my family, or even on this blog). I can't hold it in all the time. No one will think less of me because I am feeling depression come again.

I know my life won't be all sunshine and roses overnight, but I can do the best I can everyday to make it better. I will have to recommit every single morning to make my life contain more light and less darkness. My family deserves a happy mom.

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