I am sitting here at my kitchen table trying to keep breathing. I am willing my kids to play nicely because I can't handle all this whining today. I am cold. My body is both wanting to shut down and be alive all at the same time. I want to curl up on the couch and not move, but I also want to get out of this house. I hate when I feel like this...when I am in a bad mood.
Today so far is a "bad mother" day. I don't like this. I feel the anxiety balling up inside of me and it won't come out. I feel my anger flare up every time J3 goes near his sister and makes her cry (for nothing). I hate feeling like this, but some days I just can't help it. I feel I am powerless to stop it. I am boiling green beans so the kids will have something healthy for lunch, but that is as far as I have gotten. There are clothes to do, exercise to get done, dishes to do, things to clean, things to organize, etc. My brain is running a million miles a minute and I am so overwhelmed that I end up not doing anything.
This moment is not a good moment for me. I need to regroup and reset my focus. How? This is a question I ask myself often. How do I stay away from this depression I have fallen into? It is a functioning depression, but it is still there. This evil thing inside of me that grows when something (even just a little thing) goes wrong. That is something I am still trying to fix.
For now, I guess I will get off of this chair and put that batch of clothes into the dryer and just keep going. It's all I can do. I will figure out the rest as I go along...
I got this prompt from Crissy Page.