WARNING: I just typed and typed and let the words flow out of my brain. I didn't re-read it after I wrote it and right now I don't even really remember what is written here, but I guess I just had to get the words out. That is one way that I deal with stuff. I have to write about it. I journal a lot and all the time. I am constantly writing things down about my day and stuff. I think I need that to understand some parts of my life sometimes. Anyway, I just decided to write it all down in here tonight instead. I need to be more "open" with my life (according to my mom) so this is one way that I am doing that. Thanks for listening!! :)
Today I called my doctor back about my lab results. (I went last Monday to get a "check up" and to change my anti-depressant and he made me do blood work). Everything was fine except my cholesterol levels. They were high, but not too high. High enough that I have to diet and exercise to try to get it down or he will put me on medicine. I won't have to change my diet too much (which is a good thing), but I will have to start exercising again. I used to be a little obsessed with my exercising, but I got a little slack with it and it just got worse and worse. I just kept getting lazier until one day and I woke up and I couldn't even walk across the yard without getting winded. I'm sure alot of people out there know how that is. Like, where does the time go and why am I not paying attention to my life? Well, I need to pay attention now. I started reading books about my depression (I need to be more educated about the subject) and I am trying to raise my self-esteem (very slowly). I need to not let fear run my life and right now I am and I have been all my life. This will be a long, slow process, but I am willing to try the best I can to change. I am tired of feeling bad and not being happy about life. I only get one and I might as well be happy with the one I have (no matter what it leads me too). I know it is easy to make these statements and say that I am going to change my life, but I really have to try or I will be depressed all the time. I know that isn't good for me or my family, and if I want to have a child one day then something has to change. I am not bringing a child into my life when I am going through my depression and stuff. It wouldn't be good for the child or me. I don't think I could handle it. Even just little things frazzle me and thank god I am on medicine or I would just go crazy and keep having depression "episodes". The medicine evens out my emotions and feelings so that the little things don't bother me. I don't mind taking the meds. so I think that is the best solution for me at this moment in time. My doctor wants me to see a counselor about it and I will try it at least once, but I don't think I will like it all that much. I don't like to talk to people much less a stranger (I know this is one of my problems, but I am not ready to deal with that aspect of it right now).I will just ask for lots of prayers or advice while I am going on this very long journey.