Monday, May 19, 2008


WARNING: I just typed and typed and let the words flow out of my brain. I didn't re-read it after I wrote it and right now I don't even really remember what is written here, but I guess I just had to get the words out. That is one way that I deal with stuff. I have to write about it. I journal a lot and all the time. I am constantly writing things down about my day and stuff. I think I need that to understand some parts of my life sometimes. Anyway, I just decided to write it all down in here tonight instead. I need to be more "open" with my life (according to my mom) so this is one way that I am doing that. Thanks for listening!! :)

Today I called my doctor back about my lab results. (I went last Monday to get a "check up" and to change my anti-depressant and he made me do blood work). Everything was fine except my cholesterol levels. They were high, but not too high. High enough that I have to diet and exercise to try to get it down or he will put me on medicine. I won't have to change my diet too much (which is a good thing), but I will have to start exercising again. I used to be a little obsessed with my exercising, but I got a little slack with it and it just got worse and worse. I just kept getting lazier until one day and I woke up and I couldn't even walk across the yard without getting winded. I'm sure alot of people out there know how that is. Like, where does the time go and why am I not paying attention to my life? Well, I need to pay attention now. I started reading books about my depression (I need to be more educated about the subject) and I am trying to raise my self-esteem (very slowly). I need to not let fear run my life and right now I am and I have been all my life. This will be a long, slow process, but I am willing to try the best I can to change. I am tired of feeling bad and not being happy about life. I only get one and I might as well be happy with the one I have (no matter what it leads me too). I know it is easy to make these statements and say that I am going to change my life, but I really have to try or I will be depressed all the time. I know that isn't good for me or my family, and if I want to have a child one day then something has to change. I am not bringing a child into my life when I am going through my depression and stuff. It wouldn't be good for the child or me. I don't think I could handle it. Even just little things frazzle me and thank god I am on medicine or I would just go crazy and keep having depression "episodes". The medicine evens out my emotions and feelings so that the little things don't bother me. I don't mind taking the meds. so I think that is the best solution for me at this moment in time. My doctor wants me to see a counselor about it and I will try it at least once, but I don't think I will like it all that much. I don't like to talk to people much less a stranger (I know this is one of my problems, but I am not ready to deal with that aspect of it right now).I will just ask for lots of prayers or advice while I am going on this very long journey.

1 comment:

Retro Girl said...

You're on the right track already and this is a really good, positive thing! :-)

Just one day at a time...that's the best way to deal with it. Make tiny, small, reachable goals for each day, and consider them triumphs as you reach them and move on to the next day. You can do it. I know you can!! You are a smart, sweet, amazing person!

You can do anything you put your mind to. I know - I see it already.

You're in my prayers...

Know you can email me anytime you need to 'talk' ...I always have an ear or shoulder.