Monday, July 14, 2014

Back in the Saddle....

I have renewed my commitment to my "being healthy"! I got rid of my scale and I am going to try my best not to worry about the number anymore. It doesn't matter. I just want to feel fit and be able to move easier during the day. I want to feel comfortable in my own skin. My body can do these things, but my emotions/hormones fight against me!! I am slowly trying to learn how to not let those things be in charge! Life is too short to be depressed and upset about everything. I want to have fun and not worry about stuff! Changing myself will be/is a slow process, but I am trying and it's better than doing nothing at all. I am trying to make better decisions for myself everyday. It might be easier this time because my hubby is making some of these changes with me. He is exercising and we are all trying to eat healthier as a family. That is what matters. I want us to be together on this...it will make it easier. This morning I woke up and rode 30 minutes on my spin bike. I really really didn't feel like it, but I did it! I keep telling myself...the more I move, the more that my body will want to move. :) 

Today is Monday, so this is the day I normally get most of my chores done.
1. Get clothes washed (as long as it doesn't rain then I can hang them outside)
2. dishes
3. cook supper
4. exercise
5. clean out my bathroom cabinet
6. schoolwork with the kids

What do you have planned today? What have you done lately to be healthier?

Tuesday, June 24, 2014

Summertime...

I love summer! I bought an ice cream maker and I have tried several different recipes in it so far. Here you see chocolate. Yummy!!


It came out awesome! So much better then store bought. 


My new favorite chore is hanging my clothes outside. My hubby built me this clothesline and it is awesome! It works perfectly for what I need. I hang out a batch or 2 of clothes...usually everyday (unless it's raining of course). My clothes smell fresh and clean straight off the line and they are so warm.


What is your favorite thing about this summer?

Friday, June 20, 2014

All the feelings...

I did not edit this or even go back and read it. I just let the thoughts flow out of my brain and through my fingers so that I could maybe get some sleep. There are just too many thoughts in here. Negative ones and they need to be replaced. 

I can't sleep or at least I don't want to sleep right now. I am having all the feelings at the moment...I feel for no reason...and if I go to sleep then they will all just be buried again and they will just resurface later for me to deal with then. I have to learn to just deal with my feelings as they come up and not to just bury them down deep inside. Even though I don't really feel like my feelings are valid enough...obviously I am having them for a reason. Feelings are for a reason right. I can't just keep burying them and not talking about them. I have to learn to talk about my feelings...even if I think they are stupid and I shouldn't be having them. I can't just bury them. They will just keep resurfacing.  Sorry if you are reading this and you are confused. I am just typing everything that is coming to my mind and everything that I am thinking about right now because I can't sleep. If I don't think about what is inside of me then I will just bury it all and I don't think my heart can take it. I guess that's why I feel like I'm always eating because it's easier then feeling the feelings that I don't think I should have. I have to learn to get over this!! I have many many people who love me and want to help me but I don't let them. I don't feel like I deserve their help and I am embarrassed to admit that I am having problems. I feel like I shouldn't because I have a great life and I shouldn't feel the things I do. A lot of people have so so many more problems then me that I shouldn't have anything to complain about. I shouldn't express the way I feel or what I want to and I should just be grateful for everything I have and I am...don't get me wrong but then why do these things come up inside my head all the time. I can be so much better then I  am and for some reason I don't make the effort to be. I need to search inside myself and discover why? I need to discover what is wrong with me and why I completely feel the way that i do. If you are still here I am sorry that you had to sit through all of this mumbling and rambling on and on about practically nothing but I have learned that sometimes you just have to put the thoughts out of your head and let other people have them so that they don't make you crazy. Maybe everytime someone else reads this, it gives my words and feelings a little less power over me. I really wish that were true. 

Wednesday, June 18, 2014

Homemade Liquid Laundry Detergent

I have been making my own laundry detergent for awhile now, but normally I make a powdered version. I decided to make a liquid one this time because it uses less ingredients and I think it will last me a lot longer. This is not my recipe, it is the Dugger's recipe. I got it out of their book 20 and Counting.

First I gathered all my ingredients...Washing soda, Borax and 1 bar of Fels Naptha soap.

Grate the bar of Fels Naptha.

Place the soap shavings in a pot and cover with water.

Stir continuously until all the soap is melted and their is no longer any clumps of soap in the water. 

It will come out nice and smooth.

While the soap is melting, place the other ingredients in a 5 gallon bucket. 1 cup Washing Soda and 1/2 cup of Borax. 


After the soap is completely melted pour the hot soap over the powder and stir until all the powder is dissolved. I had to stir this for a little while.

.
Next, I filled up the bucket with hot tap water. I tried to spray on the sides so it wouldn't get too sudsy on top. (I learned this the hard way haha).

Stir the bucket with whatever you can find. The only thing I had long enough was my fly swatter. Haha

It will end up a very smooth mixture. Cover and let it sit overnight so it can gel up. 

Once the mixture has sat overnight, I stirred it all up. It was a little challenging cuz it was really gelled up but it worked. I would have just needed a more firm stick to stir with. 


When it was all stirred up and not as clumpy, I used a measuring cup and poured the mixture into a gallon jug. I filled it up half way. 

Then you fill the rest of the way up with water to make a full gallon of liquid detergent. Shake before using.

I am very excited about my laundry detergent. I have used it a couple times already and am very pleased with the results. My clothes have come out clean...just like when I use the powder version. I hope you enjoy this tutorial and try to make you own detergent. I am expecting this batch to last me anywhere from 6-8 months. :)

Thursday, June 5, 2014

I'm getting it!!!

Here is where I am at so far.... I WILL finish this by the summer! :)

Tuesday, June 3, 2014

Exercise

I found my Fitbit yesterday! It was in the hamper the whole time...I had looked through it a couple times, but I was just checking pants pockets (that's normally where I keep it). This time it was attached to a shirt. haha I'm so excited to count my steps again! I kinda felt lost without it. I will get 10,000 today...even if I have to march in place a lot! I haven't really been exercising like I should though. I am getting some real movement a couple times a week (which is good for me, usually I don't really exercise at all), but I want to increase my exercise time. I want to make sure that I get at least 8-10,000 steps a day and then do a video or something. I have NO EXCUSE not to exercise (except that I am pretty lazy sometimes) and that is not an excuse! I have plenty of free time and I can even take a walk with the kids. If I am really serious about losing weight then I need to get on board and move more often!! I just have to. I really, really would like to start jogging. I see other people jogging and I think that is something I would like to do, but then I get on the treadmill and I am really bored with it. I know that is totally an excuse, but I am.

I am reading that book Women, Food and God right now and it is helping me to get more in tune with my body and what it is telling me. I think I am going to jog today and listen to my body this time and see if it feels good to jog. I am going to get on the treadmill when the kids have nap time. That will be a good time. Let's see how many steps I can get then. :)

What kind of exercise do you do? Do you get some real movement in everyday or just a few times a week? I am trying to find a way to be more consistent. I think I might do the "100 miles of cardio" challenge I made up for myself a couple years ago (that I never finished). I will have to tweak it though to work with now. I am always starting things that I never finish, but that has to be something that I change!!! My brain keeps reminding me that I am a failure and I can't let that happen. I am NOT a failure...I am just not totally commited all the time...actually up until recently I haven't been really commited to anything! That needs to change...

I AM GOING TO COMMIT TO DOING 100 MILES OF CARDIO THIS SUMMER!!!! I am commiting to this!!!! I am going to do this because I want to! I NEED TO PROVE TO MYSELF THAT I CAN FINISH SOMETHING FOR ONCE!!!

Saturday, May 31, 2014

Weight loss....

I am going to attempt to write a blog post today before anything can interrupt me. It may not make any sense b/c I still can't get things right in my head, but at least I am going to write something...

I have been on the "weight loss" track again. I started a few months ago. I am gung ho about watching what I eat for about a day and then I give up. I do that over and over...all the time. This time though, I haven't given up. I may have stopped for a few days and then I get right back on track. My scale went down a little bit, but its pretty much staying where it is right now. I feel like the number will never go down and I KNOW that is my fault because I don't really do anything about it. I feel like there are so many "diets" and so much advice swimming around in my head that I can't get it all straight and I just don't know how or what to eat anymore... For the passed few weeks I had started using my Fitbit again. I love my Fitbit. I was getting a pretty good amount of steps every day too and I was motivated, but on Tuesday I lost it. The damn thing is so little that I don't know where it is. I have looked everywhere. I know that it will turn up again, but until then I am stuck without my motivation...again. I put on my heart rate monitor today thinking that I could watch how many calories I burn today. I thought that would help me. I am slowly finding more motivation inside myself. I have been getting any book I can about losing weight and emotional eating and I have been reading and taking notes like crazy! I think that it is helping me to just keep it in my mind all day. I have also been watching extreme makeover weight loss edition online. Those are inspiring as well. I love seeing their transformation (even though I know that it isn't feasible for me to lose weight that way). Right now I am reading the book Women, Food and God. I am loving it. It is showing me how and why I eat when I am not hungry. I eat for all the wrong reasons. It is helping me to stop and think before I grab something to eat...Am I REALLY hungry or am I just bored, sad, depressed, etc? That has helped me this week. All I can do is stay on this road I am on right now and hope for the best. As long as I can get a little bit of exercise in during the day and watch what I am eating most of the time then I think I will be alright. Just so long as I stay off the stupid scale!!! That is what makes me upset. I need to remember that it is just a number. It does not define me!

Monday, May 19, 2014

Loss for words...

have been at such a loss for words lately. I am having a problem knowing what to write about. Even when I have a subject I just can't seem to think how to write about it.

I think there are just lots of things I am trying to work through right now and I just don't know how to share it. I will definitely get back to writing soon...I miss blogging about things.

I am just trying to find a balance with everything in my life and blogging has been the last thing on my list. I usually just skip it. 

Sunday, April 27, 2014

There is some light here...

The past couple days have been a little better. At night (and all during the day) I just think about things that I actually did and not just things that I still have to do. It has been helping me to see that I actually do do enough things around here and I am not a failure at life. I can't do it all b/c we all know there isn't enough hours in the day. No one can do it all. I need to just remember things like that. I am not alone. We are all trying to accomplish the same things, but we just go about it in different ways. No one is perfect. We are all just trying to make a happy, well rounded family the best way we know how.

Focus on the positive.
Focus on gratitude.
Focus on my family.
Focus on the positive.
Focus on the positive.


Friday, April 25, 2014

Things need to change....

Have you ever tried to do something over and over, but just keep failing at it? Not just a couple times, but for years and years? Well, I do. Every single day of my life... I feel like a complete failure. This post is hard for me to write b/c I usually just keep everything that bothers me inside and to myself, but I have realized that I can't anymore. All it does is eat me up inside and it completely fuels my depression. I have woken up just about every morning this year feeling like an utter failure and I really don't want to feel like this anymore. I am tired of feeling like I can't change anything and I am powerless to my faults. I need to stop feeling like this b/c it certainly doesn't make anything better. It just makes my life worse and in turn it makes my family's life worse. I make everyone around me miserable and I am really tired of doing that. My kids don't like to be yelled at and my husband certainly doesn't like it either. And it has nothing to do with them. It is ALL my problems and not theirs. They don't deserve to have a mom/wife who acts like this. They don't deserve it AT ALL. I just can't make myself change things. I have tried so many times to change the things I NEED to change and I fail every time. I wake up (literally) EVERY MORNING and I tell myself..."today will be better", but so far it's not. I think I am just getting worse b/c on top of not changing things I feel like I have failed them. How do you change thinking like this? How do you change the way you think after all these years? I just don't know what else to try...

I am just going to list the things I want to change b/c that is easiest...
  • I want to pay more attention to my kids. I think if I did that then I wouldn't have to yell so much b/c then they wouldn't be trying to get my attention all the time.
  • I would like to stay on top the the cleaning around the house and not just leave it for my hubby to do. The cleaning just completely overwhelms me b/c I have so much stuff. I am working on decluttering things as well, but it's a slow process.
  • I need to work on eating better. I eat way too much sugar (especially right now b/c of all the Easter candy we have) and I KNOW that it isn't good for me. It is so hard for me. I wake up every morning and tell myself what I am going to eat (healthy stuff) and by noon I am chomping away on candy...usually b/c I am stressed out. I am an emotional eater and I need to fix this!
  • I need to stop trying to control every aspect of my life. Sometimes I need to just let go and have some fun.
  • I need to think more positive thoughts. I am always thinking very negatively and thinking that things will always go wrong. THIS IS PROBABLY MY MAIN PROBLEM! It's so hard to change the way you think...
What has happened to me? I didn't expect my life to be like this. I know that I am very blessed and have a great life, but why can't I just enjoy it? Why can't I just be happy? Maybe "happy" is the wrong word...I am happy. I love my life and the way it is, but I am not able to enjoy it b/c I can't fix these things about myself. I am not content with who and am and who I want to be so it takes over my thoughts.

I guess I can't give up though. I need to stop feeling like a failure and just keep trying. That is the only way that things will change, eventually. I need to be kinder to myself, b/c no one is perfect and we all have our faults. I have a family to take care of and they deserve someone who is not giving up. I will still wake up every morning and tell myself that today will be better then yesterday. I will just do the best I can...cuz that's all I can do right now. If you have made it this far then thanks for listening.

Wednesday, April 9, 2014

Balance...

I am desperately trying to find a balance in my life. I need time to:

  • read my Bible
  • do chores
  • organize
  • clean everything
  • take care of the kids
  • write in my journal
  • cook/feed my family
  • play with the kids
  • get outside
  • exercise
  • teach the kids
  • spend time with my hubby
  • declutter
  • rest/relax
  • get a good night's sleep
  • read novels for fun
  • ...and the list goes on and on...
I know all of you out there with families to take care of know what I am talking about. It is just so hard to get it all done. I have been getting up an hour earlier in the morning to take care of my own needs like reading, writing in my journal and making a to do list to center myself for the day...I also try to exercise at that time. I have been getting the kids to clean with me during the day so they can understand the responsibility of getting things done TOGETHER too. They are enjoying helping with the cleaning. I try to declutter during the day just to get stuff out of the house when I come across something I don't need anymore. And special cleaning jobs I do at night when my hubby gets home. I could go on and on...but I won't.

It is all just a balancing act that I do everyday. I am getting better at it though...

Friday, March 14, 2014

Just getting my thoughts out about cleaning and being productive...

If you don't want to read a lot of run on sentences and rambling about cleaning the house and being lazy then I would just skip this post.... (I didn't even edit or read it again, I just typed it up and pressed publish, so it probably won't even make sense). I just needed to get some thoughts out of my head)


Just finished cleaning off my kitchen counter and mopping my kitchen floor. I am also getting some laundry done today. I have decided that sometimes I just have to do it (even if I don't feel like it). No one else is going to clean my house but me. I can be lazy or I can be productive. Guess which one will make me feel better at the end of the day?!? I am the only one who can change myself. I am the only one who can make myself get off my a** and get some work done around the house. I need to tell the lazy b**** inside of me to shutup!! I don't want to sit down! I want to have a clean house for my family and myself because it makes me feel good at the end of the day. I can think better without all the clutter everywhere. I can be a better mother and a better wife if I have some order to my house. I can maybe get some exercise for the day as well. I don't need to sit around and do nothing all day...all that does is make me depressed and that is definitely something I do not need. I get unhappy when I just sit all the time. It makes me feel fat and lazy and grumpy. I don't want to feel like that. I want to be happy and healthy for my family and myself. The only way I will do this is to just get up...get off the computer, get off the sofa, turn off the tv, put my phone down and JUST GET THINGS DONE!!!! When I am old and remember things, I don't want to just remember how lazy I was and how I just ignored things and never did stuff, I want to remember how I played with my kids, how we blasted music and did chores together. I want to remember that I got my butt off the chair and played on the floor with them. I want to remember that we went outside and had a great time just running around in the sunshine. I want to remember how we had room on the counter to do really fun art projects and how we made messes together and cleaned them up together. Those are things I want my kids to remember as well. I don't want them to remember a lazy mother who didn't want to play with them because she was tired/depressed/bored/etc. I don't want them to remember how angry/upset I was all the time because I never got up to do anything. I want them to remember a happy, productive mother. One that isn't afraid to do things and isn't too tired to do things.

How will you change your life today so that you can have better memories later?

Thursday, February 27, 2014

Where I have been...

For the passed few weeks I have been feeling depression creep back up into my life...and I let it. Sometimes I feel like I cannot control it. It is just something that comes over me and I have to give in to the darkness. I hate it! It makes me angry. It makes me sad. It makes me anxious. It makes me cry. It makes me yell. It makes me want to hide. It makes me want to run away. it makes me silent. It's just bad. And for a few weeks I was withdrawn, I yelled at my kids, I couldn't do anything right, I alienated people, I couldn't breath, I complained a lot, I hated everything and everyone (including myself), my life sucked...

Today, I am feeling much better. I feel like the darkness has lifted a little and I can breath again. I got up much happier, actually looking forward to the day ahead. I made pancakes for the kids for breakfast, I did dishes, I put supper in the crock pot and when I am done with this blog post, I plan on going play on the floor with them.

Here is what I am beginning to learn: I need to learn to control this. I can't allow depression/the darkness to take over my life. The only way I can do that is to fill my life with happiness/light. So here is my plan...

1. read my bible/pray a lot more often--get help from above. I am not alone.
2. stop saying "no" so often--I want a "yes" house. It will make my kids and my hubby much happier.
3. be more positive--I am so bad at automatically assuming the worst about everything. I am a pessimistic person since birth and it's super hard to change my way of thinking, but I have to...to survive the darkness.
4. spend more time together with my family and less time alone doing my own things--I am very selfish and I need to stop. I have plenty of time to knit, be on the computer, read, or art journal later. My kids will only be little this one time. It is not just me anymore and my hobbies will always be there.
5. be more open with my feelings--I need to talk more about what I am feeling (with my family, or even on this blog). I can't hold it in all the time. No one will think less of me because I am feeling depression come again.

I know my life won't be all sunshine and roses overnight, but I can do the best I can everyday to make it better. I will have to recommit every single morning to make my life contain more light and less darkness. My family deserves a happy mom.

Sunday, February 9, 2014

Art time!!

I love doing art projects with the kids. They get so excited when I bring out the papers and colors. I just bought them some paint as well. A13m just started learning how to color, but I have to watch her like a hawk because she tends to just want to eat them. Haha. I guess the bright colors look appetizing. :) I am in the process of making them their own art/school desk to keep all their supplies in one place. It's going to be so cute!


Thursday, February 6, 2014

#This moment....

I am sitting here at my kitchen table trying to keep breathing. I am willing my kids to play nicely because I can't handle all this whining today. I am cold. My body is both wanting to shut down and be alive all at the same time. I want to curl up on the couch and not move, but I also want to get out of this house. I hate when I feel like this...when I am in a bad mood.

Today so far is a "bad mother" day. I don't like this. I feel the anxiety balling up inside of me and it won't come out. I feel my anger flare up every time J3 goes near his sister and makes her cry (for nothing). I hate feeling like this, but some days I just can't help it. I feel I am powerless to stop it. I am boiling green beans so the kids will have something healthy for lunch, but that is as far as I have gotten. There are clothes to do, exercise to get done, dishes to do, things to clean, things to organize, etc. My brain is running a million miles a minute and I am so overwhelmed that I end up not doing anything.

This moment is not a good moment for me. I need to regroup and reset my focus. How? This is a question I ask myself often. How do I stay away from this depression I have fallen into? It is a functioning depression, but it is still there. This evil thing inside of me that grows when something (even just a little thing) goes wrong. That is something I am still trying to fix.

For now, I guess I will get off of this chair and put that batch of clothes into the dryer and just keep going. It's all I can do. I will figure out the rest as I go along... 


I got this prompt from Crissy Page

Monday, February 3, 2014

Just writing.....

I hate this time of year! It is cold outside and I can't go anywhere. I can feel my depression slowly creeping up on me. I can't stand myself when I am like this! I am not happy with anything! I just want to make my own little nest and bury myself in it. I don't even know what will help me feel better. My hubby is a big help and I already get some time to myself, when I ask, so that's not the problem. I just don't get why I feel like this. It drives me crazy because I don't want to be sad and upset all the time but I feel like I can't help it. It is more work to make myself feel happy. Ugh!!! I will probably be like this for a few days and then I will get better for a few days. It comes and goes and I never know when it's gonna hit me. I suppose I should just be happy that it isn't every day. Some days I just want to run away, but I can't... I need to just breathe for awhile and maybe this feeling will pass....

Sunday, February 2, 2014

Homemade noodles!

I have been wanting to try my hand at making my own noodles. Luckily my mom had a pasta machine that I could use...I didn't have to go buy one until I know I enjoy making them. It was easier then I thought it would be. It was just a little time consuming. I am sure I will get faster everytime I make it! 





Tuesday, January 28, 2014

Freezing!!!

I am sitting here freezing my buns off!!! I hate winter and it has been roaring here lately. I totally have the winter blues. I hate being stuck in the house and not being able to go anywhere. I hate being cold and not being able to let my kids play outside. I cannot wait until spring time when we can go for long walks and let the kids play in their play house. It makes my day so much better when I can get some fresh air for a little while. On the other hand, it is pretty neat that we are having some ice/snow fall this year. It rarely happens and if I have to endure the cold weather, I should at least have something pretty to look at.

What is the weather where you are at? Do you enjoy the cold winter or are you more of a summer person?

Tuesday, January 21, 2014

Making yogurt

I made yogurt for my family this passed weekend. I love knowing that they are getting something healthy and homemade from me. I know the exact ingredients that go into it and it is much cheaper then buying it at the store. That is a big plus! My mom got me started making it. It's super easy! If you make your own yogurt I would love to hear from you. Do you flavor it or eat it plain? What is your favorite way to have yogurt?


Friday, January 17, 2014

New shelves for my kitchen!!

I was desperately needing some shelves in these kitchen cabinets! Just look at all that wasted space up there. These store bought shelves didn't help either because the sides got in the way. I couldn't put anything underneath them. 

I asked my hubby if he could make me some. He is always wanting to do things like that around the house so he jumped at the chance! I got new shelves that night. He made 4 of them so I have lots of extra shelves. I just have to figure out what to put on them now. 

What kind of improvements have you made to your kitchen to get more storage space?